How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED-AMERICAN.
2. She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
3. She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
4. She is not HALF NAKED – She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
5. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
6. She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
7. She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
8. She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
9. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
10. She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
11. She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
12. She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
13. She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
14. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
15. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
16. She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
17. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
18. She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
19. She is not KINKY – She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
20. She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
21. She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
22. She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
23. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
24. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
25. She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
26. She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
27. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
28. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
29. She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
30. She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
31. She is not LOOSE – She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
32. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
33. She does not have THIN LIPS – She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
34. ‘ LOW COST PROVIDER.’

How to speak about men and be politically correct:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is’ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’
6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘REAR CLEAVAGE.
7. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
8. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
9. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
10. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
11. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
12. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
13. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
14. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
15. He does not constantly talk about cars; HE HAS A VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
16. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
17. He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
18. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
19. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.